Below is the script of the Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt episode, "Trans-homers".
[The episode begins in space. Two meteors fly towards Earth.]
Narrator: We know not where they come from, only that they both are searching for the same force.
[Several lightning bolts hit Earth.]
Narrator: For a time, they lived in harmony, but, like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil.
[The Earth transforms into the letters "トランスホーム" for the title card.]
Narrator: And so began the war.
[The title transforms into the credits as the scene transitions to the church.]
Garterbelt: Brief, are you kneeling before me to offer God your service or are you just, you know, offering?
Brief: I'm sorry. I don't understand the question. I was hoping maybe... he could help me stop Panty and Stocking from fighting. They're stressing me out.
[Panty and Stocking scream at each other.]
Brief: You see what I mean? It just never stops! *looks behind and watches as Panty and Stocking strangle each other*
Stocking: This isn't autoerotic asphyxiation, I'm trying to kill you, so don't get all snail trail on me!
Brief: *tries to separate Panty and Stocking* Okay, you're officially going too far! I really hate watching you two fight.
[Panty and Stocking growl at each other.]
Brief: You never tickle each other or have pillow fights or anything!
Panty and Stocking: *punches Brief* Fuck off, dipshit!
[Brief flies into and breaks the altar.]
Garterbelt: Those crazy hookers is out of control. *closes a book*
[The sky turns red and the two meteors crash into the church.]
Narrator: Unexpectedly, the sky turned an ominous red as two meteors crashed into Earth.
Brief: What the what?
[Panty and Stocking continue strangling each other as the smoke clears. Brief knocks on the meteor.]
Brief: What. Is. This? *sticks out his tongue* Oh, my crap! I think it's a meteorite!
Cocktimus: *walks out of the meteor* At the end of this day, one shall stand. One shall fall.
Brief: It's like one of those bots from that cool old cartoon slash crappy film! I can't wait to post about this on the forum, they'll be so jealous! Welcome, alien-toon! My name is Brief!
Cocktimus: Hello, I'm Cocktimus Prime, I'm here to end the battle.
Brief: Wow, I guess God really does exist. So you were sent here to stop the girls from fighting?
Cocktimus: No, you are mistaken, human.
Brief: Huh?
Cocktimus: I am not here alone.
Narrator: Wait did he say Cocktimus Prime?
[Another meteor crashes through the back of the church.]
Mingeatron: My name is Mingeatron, and I've come to this planet to make this war my bitch, bitches!
Brief: Dude, this is awesome!
Mingeatron: And at what are you looking, tiny gothic creature?
Stocking: A delicious marshmallow!
Mingeatron: It's not a marshmallow. As superior robotic life forms, our cores are naturally on the outside of our bodies. What you're looking at is my heart.
[Stocking eats Mingeatron's heart.]
Mingeatron: What the fuck?! You shithead!
Stocking: Mmmm! Yummers!
Mingeatron: What part of "that's my heart" did you not understand?!
[Mingeatron falls apart as Stocking then transforms into a robot.]
Stocking: I am known as Gothatron Stocking, and I will settle this score once and for all.
Panty: That was so fucking badass!
Mingeatron: Did that just happen?
Cocktimus: Hey, I like your new look, Mingeatron. What the hell?
[Panty eats Cocktimus Prime's heart.]
Cocktimus: No! *falls apart*
Panty: Gross, this tastes like ass balls. *transforms into a robot* My name is Rottenass Panty! The time has come to make a motherfucker suffer!
Brief: No, you guys! This is way worse than before!
[A piece of metal hits Brief in the head.]
[Scene transitions to Rottenass Panty's room. Her scanner goes off.]
Narrator: And okay, Rottenass Panty's room.
Soundnoise: *transforms into a robot* Soundnoise trans-home!
Lovechair: *transforms into a robot* Lovechair trans-home!
Spinbed: *transforms into a robot* Spinbed trans-home!
Cattlehorn: *transforms into a robot* Cattlehorn trans-home!
Condoms: *transform into a robot* Condoms trans-home!
[Scene transitions to Gothatron Stocking's room. Her scanner goes off.]
Narrator: Gothatron Stocking's room.
Torchfire: *transforms into a robot* Torchfire trans-home!
Sugarscream: *transforms into a robot* Sugarscream trans-home!
Cage: *transforms into a robot* Cage trans-home!
Skullmuncher: *transforms into a robot* Skullmuncher trans-home!
Giant dildo: *transforms into a robot* Giant dildo trans-homo!
[Gothatron Stocking grins as the transitions to the kitchen. Garterbelt eats food as Chuck jumps around across him.]
Narrator: The Pantybots have seized the kitchen and surrounded the refrigerator.
Panty: Remember, Stockin' is a fatty wannabe. All we have to do is take possession of her disgusting sweets, and victory will be ours!
Snatchet: The radar! Commander, I think there's something inside the--
[Several swords penetrate Snatchet, killing him in the process.]
Panty: Snatchet!
Pantybot #1: And away we g--!
[Several swords penetrate the Pantybot, killing him as well.]
Stocking: *walks into the kitchen and laughs* I've already eaten all of the sweets, Slagbot!
[The Stockingcons walk in the kitchen.]
Panty: Fuck! That was a dick move, Stockin'!
Stocking: Do you have any last words, Panty?
Panty: None that you'd want to hear, Megatwat!
[Panty and her bots shoot at Stocking and her bots, and vice versa.]
Narrator: The battle between Pantybots and Stockingcons continues.
[The camera pans over to Chuck, who is hit by one of the bullets and explodes.]
[Scene transitions to the attic. Stocking knocks on the bathroom door as the Stockingcons stand by her.]
Narrator: Later, outside the bathroom.
Stocking: Goddamnit, get out of the bathroom, I really gotta pee!
Panty: I hope you piss your face off while you piss all over yourself if that makes you feel better.
[The Pantybots laugh.]
Narrator: I'm sorry, what show am I narrating again?
Panty: Wait, something's up. She didn't call me a whore. *opens the door and looks around*
Stocking: *points her gun at Panty* Ha!
[The Stockingcons all point their guns at Panty.]
Stocking: You're not just a whore, you're a stupid whore!
Panty: You and your lame ass fucking dick moves, I should have seen that coming!
Narrator: The Stockingcons escape trouble by donning diapers.
Stocking: When it comes to war, anything goes! (with a megaphone, to the Stockingcons) Kill the bitch!
[The residential tower explodes.]
Narrator: What will Panty do?
[Scene transitions to the church, where Panty and her bots stay. Panty wears a cast.]
Narrator: Pantybot base, in the chapel.
Panty: This whole thing is a fucking disaster. I feel like ass.
Spark: *transforms into a robot* Trans-home! Sorry I'm late, commander.
Panty: Late? I don't even know who the fuck you are.
Spark: (close-up shot of him) What can I do to make you feel better?
Panty: I can think of a couple positions. *wipes her mouth and brings Spark to a private room* We're gonna train!
Narrator: Panty drags the recruit into a private room. It's time to screw.
[Panty moans as she and Spark have sex.]
[Scene transitions to the private room, where Spark is in the process of screwing Panty.]
Spark: Erection, trans-home! *sticks his screwdriver in Panty's hole*
Panty: Oh, my God! Yes! Right there! Screw me, baby! Screw me proper! Don't stop!
[Spark turns into a Stockingcon. As they orgasm, Spark explodes.]
Pantybots: Suicide bot!
[Camera pans over from the church to the residence tower.]
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Stockingcon base in the residence tower.
[A Stockingcon shows Stocking a graph of the church.]
Stockingcon #1: It's only a matter of time until this church is yours, Gothatron Stocking.
Stocking: My spybot should have screwed Panty into a throbbing metal slit by now.
Stockingcon #2: A little fuck can't be the end of our problem, can it?
[Suddenly, the tower explodes and several Stockingcons are killed.]
Panty: Look at the pussy with the giant fucking balls! This planet's not big enough for the both of us! *tears a dead Stockingcon in half with her sword hands*
Pantybot #2: Follow Rottenass Panty's lead! Commence Stockingcon take down!
[Several Pantybots shoot at the Stockingcons.]
[Stocking walks up to Panty as the robots shoot each other.]
Stocking: Why throw away your life so recklessly, you prick?!
[Panty and Stocking's weapons slam into each other.]
Panty: That's a question you should ask yourself! *punches Stocking, who fights Panty back* It's you and me, Stocking!
Stocking: No, Panty, it's just me!
[Panty, Stocking, and their armies fight each other throughout the days and nights.]
[Scene cuts to a montage of the Pantybots and Stockingcons' war.]
Narrator: Now that is the kind of dialogue I was expecting to hear. As the battle between Pantybots and Stockingcons continues, the Earth bears the brunt of their violence and bitter rivalry.
[Scene cuts back to the church, which has been completely overtaken by the Pantybots and Stockingcons.]
Stocking: The powers of gothness are greater than anything your pathetic sex toys can muster!
Panty: Powers of gothness, really? You're threatening me with bad hair and eyeliner?
Narrator: Oh no, she didn't! Oh, uh, I mean...
Stockingcon #3: Stockingcons, don't just stand there, do something!
[Several Stockingcons prepare for battle.]
Narrator: The final showdown has come.
Pantybot #3: Pantybots! Trans-home and roll out!
[Several Pantybots transform and fight the Stockingcons.]
Stockingcon #4: *punches a robot taxi* I fuckin' hate taxis!
[The Stockingcon and robot taxi are then crushed by another robot as Panty flies over and shoots at Stocking as several Pantybots are killed.]
Panty: Give it up, Yawnatron!
Stocking: If I want to know what's on your mind, I'll splatter it on the wall and see for myself!
[A large Stockingcon grabs Stocking and throws her into Panty, who flies into two robots. Panty then flies over a Stockingcon and shoots it in the head. The bullet goes through another Stockingcon, killing it and several other Stockingcons. The walking bridge cracks and Panty and Stocking begin fighting each other.]
Panty: You want a piece of me?!
Stocking: No, I want two!
[As they continue fighting each other, they are hit by the large Stockingcon's leg. The Stockingcon's body destroys the residential tower.]
Narrator: Who will be the victor in this epic battle?
[Scene transitions to the church, where Brief and Chuck sit on a bench.]
Brief: *wakes up* Thank God, it was all just a horrible nightmare.
[Brief looks and sees the Pantybots' base. Suddenly, the ceiling is destroyed as Panty and Stocking continue fighting each other. Brief runs off and narrowly avoids being crushed by the Anarchy sisters.]
Cocktimus: Excuse me, but you are standing upon my head.
Mingeatron: Get your foot off my face, human asshole!
Brief: *jumps and walks back* I'm so sorry! Wait, if you guys are alive, you can stop them, right?
Cocktimus: Not gonna happen, kiddo. Our existences as superior robot life forms are at stake. An overzealous goth and an oversexed whore will decide the battle between us for good.
Brief: Well, that hardly seems responsible for so-called higher life-forms. I mean, they wouldn't be robots if it weren't for you guys!
Mingeatron: Ha! Weren't for us? They ate our fucking hearts!
Brief: What about your accountability, did they eat that too?
Cocktimus: This isn't about accountability, mom. This is about a species that prides death in battle above all else. Look at us; we have no bodies, our deaths are inevitable, but what we can still have is a finale to the war we've waged since four years after time began!
Brief: So, you're cool with a couple of chicks finishing this epic battle for you?
Cocktimus and Mingeatron: Pretty much.
Brief: But, will you look at this disaster?! *points at Panty and Stocking fighting* Can you see that? They're disgusting! I don't want to see them tickle each other or pillow fight at all! This is what you want the end of your existence to look like?
Mingeatron: Personally, I always did want it to be sexier.
Cocktimus: Indeed, they are quite hideous. Brief, that was a really good speech, man.
Mingeatron: Cocktimus is correct. You did well, human asshole.
Cocktimus: I am overcome by how foolish we have been to have warred all this time against each other simply to allow those two to fuck it all up.
Mingeatron: As of this moment, we hereby vow to stop acting like silly Japanese drawings and declare an immediate ceasefire. Come, Cocktimus. Let's put our heads together and find a way to salvage what little dignity we have left.
[Cocktimus and Mingeatron shake hands.]
Brief: Yeah, if you work side by side as friends, everything will be cool. I bet that’s this week’s moral!
Cocktimus: I have an excellent idea, friend. I think we can call it our first official joint effort.
Brief: Yay!
Mingeatron: We shall seek out the lesser life forms inhabiting this planet...
Brief: And?
Cocktimus and Mingeatron: And make them bleed like the pussies they are!
[Brief is shocked. Cocktimus and Mingeatron’s bodies begin to form together.]
Brief: Oh, shit!
[The two bodies fuse and transform into a huge ghost, towering over a terrified Brief.]
Brief: O-Oopsies…
[Scene cuts to Panty choking Stocking.]
Panty: Heroes never die! Rottenass Panty can never be conquered, bitch!
[Brief’s scream interrupts the fight. Scene cuts to Brief running away from the ghost.]
Brief: Hey, guys! We’re all gonna die!
Panty: What the fuck is that?
Stocking: I don’t know, but Jesus, it’s huge.
[Garterbelt exits the bathroom as another robot runs out.]
Garterbelt: That’s a ghost, stupid angels! How have you not figured that shit out by now?
[As Garterbelt speaks, Brief runs from the ghost. Panty also repeatedly falls asleep and wakes herself up.]
Garterbelt: It’s obviously a grudge born from extraterrestrials who have been fighting each other since four years after the beginning of time and never managed to finish their war because they perished when their home world was destroyed, which was caused by their very own violent battles, that has now taken the form of an evil spirit bent on seeking revenge on this planet! *throws a book at the robot*
Robot #1: You’re full of shit!
Robot #2: What he said!
Stocking: I know we’re angels and stuff, but how can there be a God and aliens? Much less alien ghosts.
Panty: Off the top of my head, I’m guessing faith is the answer. What do you think, cocksucker?
[Panty and Stocking transform into their angel forms as several robots watch on.]
Panty and Stocking: O, pitiful shadow...
Stocking: Lost in the...
Panty: Dark...
Stocking: Darkness?
Panty: O evil...
Stocking: Spirits, uhh... Heaven and Earth... Uh...
Panty: Something about...
Stocking: Maidens!...
Panty and Stocking: ...And striking down with great vengeance and furious anger!
[They transform their garments into weapons.]
Stocking: Returning you.
Panty: Somewhere for something.
[Panty and Stocking scream as they kill the ghost.]
Ghost Bot: Super God Robot Force! *explodes and dies*
Panty: Hell yeah, who’s more than meets the eye now, motherfucker?
[It begins to shower thousands of foreign Heaven Coins. The rest of the Pantybots and Stockingcons also explode into the coins.]
Panty: Damn fuckin’ skippy! It’s about time we got rewarded for realz!
Stocking: *floats by on a raft, posing* This could get us back and forth to Heaven a kabillion times, so I can keep on getting my Earthly gummy bear fix!
[Garterbelt bites one of the foreign coins.]
Garterbelt: Yeah, shoulda known it was too good to be true. Hate to shit in your cornflakes, girls, but this is alien currency, and with the exchange rate, it would take a thousand to equal one Heaven.
Panty: What?!
[A tidal wave of foreign coins washes over Panty and Stocking.]
[The church bell gongs, signaling that the ghost is defeated. Scene cuts back to the church. Brief finishes at cleaning away the fake Heaven Coins which are stacked in boxes.]
Brief: Ahh. What a relief, right? *chuckles and places his hands on the Anarchy Sisters' shoulders* I was worried there for a hot minute, girls, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson about not fighting and being friends.
[Panty and Stocking slap Brief’s hands away from their shoulders.] Brief: Or not...
Panty and Stocking: Shut up, human asshole!
[They punch Brief into the tower of stacked coins.]
Brief: I really hate that name…
[Panty and Stocking start strangling each other again.]
Stocking: Whore!
[They continue speaking as Garterbelt talks.]
Garterbelt: I swear females are more trouble than they're worth. Crazy hoochies need some Xanax.
Stocking: You're such a fucking idiot!
Panty: That's more like it!
[One of the bags rips open and the coins fall over Brief as Panty and Stocking continued fighting. The scene then changes from the church to the full view of Earth.]
Narrator: We know not where they come from, only that both of them are searching for the same force type of thing. For a time, they lived in harmony,
[An alien spaceship ship appears, hovering over Earth.]
Narrator: But, of course, some worked it for good, others worked it for evil. And so the war began!
[The Earth and the alien spaceship transforms into the words END.]
Narrator: Who wrote this shit?
[The episode ends.]