Below is the script of the Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt episode, "Catfight Club".
[The title card appears.]
Panty and Stocking: Catfight Club!
[The episode begins as the camera descends from the clouds into Daten City.]
Garterbelt: *narrating* Siblings. They don't always look the same, they don't always act the same, and they certainly don't always have the same taste in the opposite sex.
[Two babies appear onscreen.]
Garterbelt: Or same sex, depending.
[Scene cuts to a room where a mother cat feeds all but one of her babies. The lone baby cat walks away.]
Garterbelt: Friends are the family you choose, siblings are the strangers with whom you live.
[Scene cuts to two bulls, who collide with each other's horns.]
Garterbelt: Understandably, they tend to argue over insignificances.
[Scene cuts to two bears. One bear looks at his plate of pancakes with happiness, while the other looks at his plate in anger. They then fight. Scene cuts to a zooming-in shot of the church.]
Garterbelt: The closer they get, the more they clash. It is the way of things. At least until they grow up, that is.
Stocking: Shit! Goddamn it! *opens a drawer* Not here! *opens a drawer* Not here!
[She opens the toilet, which Chuck is swimming in with a floatie.]
Stocking: Not here! Nooooooooooo!
Panty: My hangover is saying you're too fucking loud. I mean, unless you're like, missing your period. That would suck.
Stocking: My pudding is gone, you twat! Pu-dding!
[The Jean-Paul Heaven pudding appears on screen.]
Stocking: It's special ordered from Heaven and has a 500 year waiting list! Damn it! That pudding is legendary.
Panty: And?
Stocking: Oh, my God. You ate it, didn't you?
Panty: *to the tune of "I don't know"* Ah.
Stocking: Don't "Ah" me. It was either you or Chuck!
Panty: *kicks Chuck, causing him to fly around the room* Uh, why would you just assume it was me. What?
Stocking: *grabs Panty's face* I'm not assuming, I know it was you!
Panty: Oh, wait. You're talking about pudding, right? Well. yeah, I guess I did eat that but it was disgusting, sugary as shit.
Stocking: *grabs and strangles Chuck* Motherbitch! I knew it! It's pudding, Panty. You knew it was gonna be sweet, cut the crap!
Panty: Okay, you need to relax, chica. It's called pudding, not the end of the world.
Stocking: Jesus! You always have to fuck up everything, don't you?!
[Scene cuts to Stocking's room.]
Stocking: This is my room.
[Scene cuts to Panty's smelly room.]
Stocking: Yours looks like a Hooter's asshole exploded! Look at your toilet! Look at your bathtub! Look at what you put in your mouth and I'm not just talking about dick! You're nothing but a filthy, hoe-bagging thief!
Panty: *grabs Stocking's face* Aww, remember that time when I told you to relax? You need some inner fucking peace.
Stocking: *stands up* I do not understand how I can ever be related to you.
Panty: *holds a bag of Death Babanero chips* Try these. I'll let you steal some of my food if that'll make you feel better. We cool?
[Stocking smacks the bag to the ground, which Chuck eats and breathes fire.]
Panty: Look, hooker, I'm trying to be fucking nice here.
Stocking: You know I don't like spicy food!
Panty: Ugh. You do realize that if you only eat sweet shit, you're going to end up a Fatty McFatterson.
Stocking: Whatever! Here's a newsflash, Flatty McFlatterson, all the weight I gain goes straight to my boobs and I am okay with that!
Panty: Yeah, and your nipples are the size of dinner plates. Mine are small, fierce, and oh, God, are they sensitive!
[Panty falls over and moans.]
Stocking: Like guys freak out over your titters. I say titters because your boobs are so small, they actually make me laugh.
Panty: *stops moaning* It's cool. Your tits keep you from looking like a little girl. I get it. Then, when he gives you candy, you won't feel like you're hooking up with a pedophile.
Stocking: You mean like that idiotic muscle-head piece of shit you keep on the back burner? Oh, by the way, I diddled him. I diddled him real hard and he said I was the best fuck he had ever had. Way better than you. Not that he should procreate, but I would totally have his abortion.
Panty: Well, I fucked that little masochist freak you like so much! He was tiny and awful, so, heads up, Buttercup! His fat ass was all jiggly, just like your fancy pudding and giant skin sacks!
[A lightning bolt strikes Chuck.]
Panty: Keep your mouth off my things!
[Panty points her gun at Stocking.]
Stocking: Likewise, bitch!
[Stocking points her katanas at Panty.]
[The scene cuts to Brief and Garterbelt exit from the elevator into the room.]
Brief: Hey, Panty. How's it going and all that? I hope I'm not bothering you too. Your father here was nice enough to show me the scenic way to your room through his bedroom, which was lovely. He is a very affectionate and large man.
Garterbelt: *squishes Chuck, who spits out a note reading "ROPE"* Now, don't forget. I am single and look'n for some mingle'n. Angels, another mandate has arrived. Get your lazy asses to the scene, immediately! Alright, this is the part where you're supposed to get the fuck up!
Stocking: No way.
Panty: Yeah, that's not gonna happen, Garter.
Garterbelt: *slaps his forehead* Holy shit. What now? Son of a bitch.
Panty and Stocking: *pressing their faces against each other, in unison* You heard what I said! I'm not going anywhere with that goddamn waste of space whore! Who the fuck are you calling a whore?!
[Panty and Stocking point at each other.]
Panty: Hey, fuck off, c*ntbag! I'm so fucking over you!
[Panty and Stocking's fingertips touch.]
Stocking: Quit copying me!
Stocking: *grabs Chuck* Come on, Chuck. We're leaving. We don't need that slutty-ass heap of trash anyway.
Panty: Yeah, well, that's fine by me, sugar-tits. I don't need you either and, besides, I would rather hang out with Geek Boy here than you any day of the fucking week.
[Brief jumps around in excitement. His tongue is shaped like a heart.]
Panty: Don't fuck with me, asshole!
Stocking: Don't fuck with me, asshole.
[Stocking enters the elevator.]
Brief: Panty, uh, hey, were you being serious? Do you really want to hang out with me?
Panty: Huh? Who the fuck is this dork?
[Scene cuts to an underground tunnel. Panty and Brief walk as they speak.]
Panty: First things first: we gotta have a new title. I think we should go something like "Panty and Virgin".
Brief: Yeah, but my name is actually Brief.
Panty: No, that's way too obvious. How about "Panty and Foreskin"?
Brief: That's an awful word, no thank you!
Panty: Oh, I know! "Panty and Smegma".
Brief: You're messing with me on purpose, aren't you?
[Stocking starts up See Through. She drives it into Brief, who flies and lands hard on the ground.]
Stocking: She is such a selfish little hag. I mean, who the hell eats stuff with someone else's name on it? Talk about rude. Seriously. She doesn't give a shit about anything other than filling her cock coozie.
[Stocking grabs all of the "Chuck" texts and shoves them in Chuck's mouth. He swallows them. Scene cuts to the roof of the church.]
Panty: I cannot believe she fucking drove off with See Through like that.
Brief: Um, Panty? Don't you think you should go with her, maybe? I mean she's all by herself, anything could happen to her.
[Scene cuts to a streetway.]
Boy: Oh, God! No! Please don't!
Bully: "Please don't" what, asswipe?
[Stocking crashes into the boy and the bully. The bully flies into a garbage can.]
Boy: Fuckin' A!
[The boy runs off. Stocking walks out of See Through.]
Stocking: We have arrived. *calls Garterbelt* Hey, Garter. I'm at the scene now.
Garterbelt: Perfect. I've just identified the bastard ghost you're looking for. Be careful; this one's tricky. It uses girls to...
[Panty takes Garterbelt's phone.]
Panty: Listen, hooch. If you apologize, I might come out there and help you not make a giant fail of yourself.
[Stocking feeds her phone to Chuck, who eats it. He then shivers and poops. Chuck's poop comes through into Panty's face.]
Panty: That bitch! *squeezes the phone* Bitch! *stomps on the phone repeatedly* Fucking bitch! Fucking bitch! Fucking bitch! Fucking bitch!
[Scene cuts back to the streetway. Stocking stands as Bloody Hood runs to her.]
Bloody Hood: *screams* Help! Somebody! A wolf is trying to attack me! *runs into Stocking* Oh, please help! There's a mean wolf trying to attack me, and I think it might be evil!
Stocking: I wonder if that's what Garter about girls before he got cut off. That has to be it! I bet there's a big bad wolf attacking poor, frightened little girls. Where is this jack-off, sweetie?
Bloody Hood: He's right down there! Follow me! He's not too far ahead!
[Bloody Hood runs down an alley as Stocking follows.]
Stocking: I'm right behind you! I can solve this case on my own, I don't need that drunken blowjob!
[Gal Ghoul crashes through the wall.]
Bloody Hood: Oh, no! It's him!
Stocking: Get ready, dick munch. *brings out her katanas* You're dealing with the awesome-mazing Stocking now, so start saying your goddamn prayers!
[Cut to Bloody Hood & Gal Ghoul tying up Stocking with their ropes.]
Bloody Hood: Aren't you one of those damn Panty and Stocking Anarchy sisters? What the hell do you want with us?
Stocking: Who's "us"?
Gal Ghoul: Darling, he's speaking of himself and me; we share one mind and one body.
Bloody Hood: That's right! I lure in the pervy men, and he scams 'em outta their money! We are huge fans of money!
Stocking: Who still falls for that bullshit? Hold on, what did Garter's clue say?
[The note briefly appears onscreen.]
Stocking: God mother damn it!
[Arrows point to Bloody Hood and Gal Ghoul's ropes.]
Stocking: "Rope" was being literal!
Bloody Hood and Gal Ghoul: Heave the ho! Heave the ho! Heave the ho! Heave the ho!
Stocking: I can't breathe!
[Stocking moans as the scene cuts to a close-up shot of her struggling in the rope.]
Stocking: God, I'm starting to get into this! Why don't you goblins yank that rope like you mean...
Bloody Hood: Looks like we've caught us one nympho angel!
Gal Ghoul: Get ready to die, dear!
[Panty shoots at Gal Ghoul with her gun. He looks behind and sees Panty riding atop Brief, who's riding on a lawn mower.]
Panty: Quit your cryin', Geek Boy. We've got asshole ghosts to kill!
[Panty hits Bloody Hood with the lawn mower. Brief hits Chuck and flies into a garbage can.]
Panty: Bitches, I don't have time for all this motherfuckery!
Stocking: Hmph. Why the prick did you have to show up? I was enjoying myself!
Gal Ghoul: Aw. The sisters are reunited at long last! Now you two can die together!
[Gal Ghoul throws a ball at Panty, but she slaps it.]
Panty: Will you stop it with this random hissy fit bullshit already?
Stocking: Will you stop it with this random selfish bullshit?
[Stocking hits the ball with her katana.]
Stocking: And here I thought all this shit would have been fucked out of you by now.
Panty: *slaps the ball* Why'nchu say that again!
Stocking: "That again", Whoreopolis!
Gal Ghoul: It's impolite to chat when I'm trying to fucking kill you!
[Gal Ghoul smashes the ground.]
Stocking: Here I come!
[Stocking tries attacking the ghost with her katanas, but is shot at by Panty and slips and misses.]
Stocking: You shot at me!
Panty: Wow. I am so sorry about that. My gun must've slipped.
Stocking: Jesus! You are such a heartless whore!
[Bloody Hood tries attacking Panty with her axe. Panty kicks it and her repeatedly.]
Panty: Suck on this!
[Stocking throws her katana at Panty's gun.]
Stocking: Oh, wow. I'm sorry, my sword must've slipped.
Panty: Slipped, my fine, hot ass! I told you. Don't fuck with me!
Stocking: Don't fuck with me!
Brief: Stop fighting! Can't we all just get along? Sisters should treat each other with love and generosit-
[Brief is punched in the face by Panty and Stocking.]
Panty: You want some of this?
Stocking: Herpes or chlamydia?
[Panty and Stocking start fighting.]
Panty: Fuck you with a shovel!
Stocking: You keep talking, but all I hear is syphilis!
Panty: Fuck you!
[Gal Ghoul smashes the ground.]
Gal Ghoul: I simply cannot fathom why they continue ignoring us.
Bloody Hood: Me either!
[Bloody Hood ties up Panty and Stocking and laughs.]
Bloody Hood: Your pussy fight is making you total pussies!
Stocking: This is all your fault!
Panty: No, it's not. This is because you won't fucking apologize to me!
Stocking: What?! Don't blame me because you're greedy!
[Gal Ghoul throws around Panty and Stocking.]
Gal Ghoul: This is very upsetting! I hate it when families argue!
[Gal Ghoul dribbles and tosses Panty and Stocking into a basketball hoop.]
Bloody Hood: Shut up, ya vag!
[Bloody Hood and Gal Ghoul slam Panty and Stocking into the ground as they laugh.]
Gal Ghoul: I do not comprehend the fear these two evoke from people.
Bloody Hood: Me neither, because they suck. I mean, it's totally like, Panty and Stocking who?
[As Bloody Hood and Gal Ghoul talk, a meter is seen at the bottom of the screen. Panty and Stocking continue getting angrier as they talk.]
Gal Ghoul: I believe we have officially surpassed the strongest team, myself.
Bloody Hood: Yeah! Those Anarchy bitches are toast!
Stocking: Hey, Panty?
Panty: What is it, Stockin'?
Stocking: Are you thinking what I'm thinking right now?
Panty: Of course I am. I mean, we are sisters.
Stocking: So, then.
[Panty and Stocking reach maximum anger.]
Stocking: Temporary truce?
Panty: Fuck yeah. Temporary truce it is.
Panty and Stocking: Let's kill 'em!
[Panty and Stocking attack Gal Ghoul.]
Bloody Hood: Shit! This time you're going down. Die!
[Bloody Hood throws her axe at Panty. She hits the axe with her gun and repeatedly kicks Bloody Hood.]
Garterbelt: Panty's strength!
[Panty shoots and kills Bloody Hood.]
Garterbelt: Stocking's technique!
[Stocking slices Gal Ghoul into pieces with her katanas.]
Garterbelt: Separate they are strong enough, but their power can only truly shine when they are working together as one! They are Panty and Stocking!
Bloody Hood: Can you believe...
[Bloody Hood explodes.]
Gal Ghoul: I did both these voices?
[Gal Ghoul explodes.]
Bloody Hood and Gal Ghoul: I'm a badass!
[Bloody Hood and Gal Ghoul explode.]
Garterbelt: As the good Lord says, "You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours".
Brief: Actually, I think that's Spock.
[Two Heaven Coins drop to the ground. The church bell rings as the scene cuts to the streetway. Panty and Stocking start up See Through.]
Panty: You riding with us, Geek Boy?
Brief: *gasps* You mean it?
Garterbelt: *grabs Brief* Ain't no thing. I'll make sure he gets home.
[Brief screams in horror. Panty and Stocking drive away.]
Panty: Okay. Whatever chaps your ass.
Brief: Wait! Come back, please!
Garterbelt: You want to grab a bite to eat on our way home? I think the Bear Club buffet's still on. Just try it once; I know you'll love it.
Brief: Oh, God!
[Scene cuts to a highway. Panty and Stocking drive in silence.]
Panty: So, uh... Here.
[Panty gives Stocking a Hot Jean-Paul Heaven pudding jar.]
Stocking: Where did you get this? Did you spend your Heavens on it?
Panty: I'm not saying I did, I'm not saying I didn't!
[After more silence, Panty and Stocking laugh.]
Stocking: Oh, you bitch.
Stocking: You c*nt.
[The episode ends.]